Staff Reporter
The dynamics within blended families can be complex and challenging, as evidenced by the relationship between musician, Selmor Mtukudzi and her stepmother, Daisy.
This situation serves as a lesson to men and highlights the delicate balance required to maintain relationships between their children and stepparents. Men in this situation may find themselves navigating the intricate task of ensuring their children feel valued while supporting their spouses. It is a difficult balancing act that requires open communication, empathy, and understanding of everyone's needs and expectations.
Selmor’s situation is the reason why women cling to non-functional and abusive relationships in the name of kugarira vana because naturally it's known that mwana anodiwa ndiye wamai varipo. They believe that divorce will affect the child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Selmor’s behaviour is truly evidence of trauma caused by her parents’divorce. When her fans complained over the organisers of the Oliver Mtukudzi International Festival of the Arts (OMIFA)’s exclusion of her from the performers' list, she posted on her Facebook attributing the omission to the popular musician’s divorce of her mother many years ago.
When she could not contain the emotions anymore and burst out during her performance at the inaugural Oliver Mtukudzi Festival of the Arts (OMFA) people accused her of being a drama queenbut those are genuine mental issues. One may say she cannot be categorized as an orphan because she is 40 years old and owns an iPhone, but all this becomes meaningless when one has no one to show her love. Being loved by her husband is not enough,she needs her family. Even if she is not perfect in Shona we say ane benzi ndeane rake wani. When her father was still alive he did not do much to keep Selmor and her sister Sandra close and this was attributed to a possessive Daisy. With Tuku out of the picture, society expected Daisy to bring all his children together but this did not happen. The initial exclusion of Selmor from the artistes’ list only served to prove that even with Tuku dead and fears of him reuniting with Selmor’s mother gone, Daisy is not prepared to embrace Tuku’s children with other women.
The situation Selmor is in emphasises the importance of counselling. Usually, after death or divorce parents just move on trying to find themselves, no one cares about the mental well-being of the children. They will focus more on material provisions, fighting for maintenance, and material stuff but how about the emotional damage that a child has gone through?
Some are saying Selmor should know that she was not a wife to Tuku but in reality, men can testify that their daughters are literally their second wives. They have strong bonds with their fathers and vanotochengera baba vavo on behalf of their mothers so Selmor’s seemingly abnormal behaviouris, in a way, very normal. Men should know that when they divorce their wives the impact is usuallytwice on the daughter.
Daughters cling to and love their fathers and when somebody else replaces them, it can be really difficult for them. If this bitterness is not addressed Selmor might live with it even up to a hundred years. iPhones do not replace family, one needs a loved one to call using the iPhone. You can own an iPhone and still be bitter and lonely.
Yes, Selmor needs to accept and pursue her own identity and legacy, separate from her father's. She also needs to recognize that while inheritance can be a tangible asset, the intangible qualities she inherits, such as talent and resilience, are what will truly define her path forward, but counselling and healing need to take place first.
Many people who disagree with Selmor’s PakarePaye behaviour went on to comment that she should strive to work for herself as if she is not. She is a musician in her own right who has been working hard and building her name. It is not as if she was asking for some funds from the Tuku estate for sustenance. She and her husband, Tendai Manatsatravel the globe for musical performances the proceeds of which they use to sustain their family. During the COVID-19 pandemic period, she opened a retail shop in Domboshava from which they carried out deliveries to customers. This is hardly the image of a grown-up crybaby hollering for a stepmother’s attention. Daisy seems to be riding on the people’s misunderstanding of Selmor’s situation to present herself as the saint.
For stepmothers such as Daisy, you need to understand the sensitive nature of your roles. Sometimes, no matter how you try, stepchildren might just fail to accept you. It is also difficult to tolerate someone else’s child. Sometimes if your own child wrongs you it would be easy to understand and forgive them, knowing that they are just “children.” As for Daisy, she needs to go theextra mile by building bridges and fostering a nurturing environment that honours the legacy of her late husband. Bringing together all of Tuku’s children honours the late global musical star more than any number of events that she can hold in his name. Before bringing Tuku’s fans together at Pakare Paye, she should bring all of Tuku’s family members together. They should feel free to visit his Norton and Pakasimbwi homes.
As for Selmor, she should seek the services of a professional counsellor to assist her in overcomingnot just the loss of a father but the effects of the divorce of his parents in the post-Tuku period.
