Chigumbu Warikandwa
Hello guys, hezvoko! Bwaa!
Greetings from my five star apartments here at Kempinski Hotel, right in the heart of the sizzling sights of the Atlantic Ocean sending encouraging breezes from my brother Trump. I greet you in the name of the May Congress!
I know you are all aware of the treachery of my fellow brother from Manicaland insofar as usurping my God ordained seat this very winter. Do not worry yourselves, my church visit disguise has worked well. Right at Kotoka International Airport I was received well by none but swarms of men in cleric collars, including my very men you all know from HH. You know how it is.
And truly, we are the masters of foolery. You know it without a speck of doubt. My boys from New York as you instructed are already here. They have already told me of the trendy casinos here in Accra and Kumasi. They will personally drive me there. I just love being driven by these guys, I like their cars. I will not forget to give them the list of the guys on the opposite bench you recommended for sanctions. In case I lose the paper, please do send me the names again on whatsapp. You can even call me on my same 0772, I am on roaming! I do not want to miss this opportunity. Also send me the names of the companies you want included on the list, I am sure they have already done so on the money transfer agencies in the country. Good work they are doing! If they do not suffer they will never vote me. I told you about it, didn’t I? Jecha ndizvo! Hezvoko!
Guys, remember, I will not forget to meet the man you said is deep down in the forests of Kumasi. Our plan must be backed by his powers. Tambo, remember to write to the papers telling them i am on a diplomatic offensive. That is necessary for their consumption. Very necessary! And of course, I will not forget to tell my friends from Washington about the congress budget. I will tell them we have orphans to care for too, 10 million of them. I will try starting at 20 million, if they believe it, we would have hit gold! The treasurer general will have nothing to do with this one. That’s why I did not take him on board. It’s my own deal. Kutsvaga-tsvagaka vakomana. Chinhu ndechangu ichi.
This afternoon my runners here are busy organising a foreign currency account at the biggest bank here. I am sure I would have enjoyed a few deposits by the time I hit RGM Airport later this week. Get me four trucks, the shopping I am planning here cannot fit in the range rover.
Also, my clever brother from Kenya will be arriving this afternoon. He evaded the glare of Jomo Kenyatta International Airport and chose the quiet Mombasa run way. He has some important notes to give me. He will not be flying direct either. He will arrive via Cairo and we will meet in the said Kumasi forests. He has a tourist visa! Hezvoko!
I hear our visitors have been stopped from entering the country! What a shame! I told you, any idea that comes from him does not work! And now he thinks he can challenge my position, I cannot wait for congress! As I argued last Wednesday, our guys should have gone to meet these guys in South Africa so we strategise another shut down in their name, see? This is why our January plan worked superbly well. The coming of these guys has now exposed us. I will chastise him before I greet even my wife on my return! I do not want dumb witted lawyers!
As you read this, the first flight from New York is bringing my designer suits. This time I was too broke to go down there for shopping. The congress delegates shopping is just draining me. I hope this congress will come to pass. The idea that each delegate has to be bought using foreign currency was truly a bad idea you guys imposed on me. Anyways, I will stick to it. I am hopeful my friends will just bring enough to spend on this important shopping. We shop votes, welcome to the party of excellence. Hezvoko!
Nekoko!
Tell me, have these our guys in fake hiding decided to finally come out? Their upkeep is equally draining us. Can’t they see the facade has died down? If they continue hiding under their tails they will not lick any position at congress. Can’t they see that the Monetary Policy and the stability of the Bond note has stolen the limelight? Their decoy hide can no longer sustain our desired propaganda. So, guys, please tell them to come out, at least to come to parliament. We cannot stand any by- election guys.
And last but not least, remember to buy enough sjamboks for the congress. One man one sjambok! Hezvoko! Nekoko!
